Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
