I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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