i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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