She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
