i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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