Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
