you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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