They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
