wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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