I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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