After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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