Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
