i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
