I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
