Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
please come you make the beer taste better
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
