You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
