What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
