I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
