I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
