I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
