I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
