Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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