You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
