No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
MIDGETS
????
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
