I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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