When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I need a beard to bite.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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