I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
