I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
