Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
