i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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