I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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