she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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