just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
