Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
