Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
