tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
