He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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