She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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