probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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