I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
