it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
