Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
