Apparently you make a good broom.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
