____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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