I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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