just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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