so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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