I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
