I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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