I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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