I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
