five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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