woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
