is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
