do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
